Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Reluctantly Admitting Defeat

This momma right here, is one worn out, exhausted, depleted, emotional, and just distraught individual.

My son, my almost 6 month old son, will be starting Chemotherapy on Thursday. That's only a couple days away. And of course, I will be working. I have Thursday off. However, I do not have the rest of the days where he will be stuck in a hospital, scared, in pain, and miserable(as far as I understand chemo).

The thing that gets me the most?
He doesn't even have TEETH yet.

He's having to go through all these horrendous things, and he doesn't even have any teeth. As things keep happening, I keep coming back to this. It astounds me. It dumbfounds me. Of course, it depresses me. But Chemo? He's so little. So vulnerable. So breakable.

I'm sitting here, completely incapable of forming the proper word structure to make sense of how I'm feeling. I'm horrible, to say the least. Work has consumed me at this point, as it does any new manager at a store, but I'm helpless. Even if I'm there, I can't fix it. I can't help him. I feel like perhaps I've failed as a mother. I can't do anything for him, but be there. Just be a person. All these people around me have gone above and beyond, helping financially, allowing us the opportunity to breathe easy knowing our bills will get paid. I'm astounded at the way these individuals have grouped together to help me. Help my family. Help my son. 

I just can't form a functional thought. Times like now have made me realize quite how happy(if that's even possible) I am that I didn't continue school. I don't think I would have been able to. I don't think I would have been able to function. I think I would have dropped out anyways, whether before or during. Or failed, which would have been worse.

They will keep my son for up to 4 days, depending on tomorrows results. He will do the aspiration of bone marrow and spinal tap. So not only will he be miserable from all the anesthesia, he has to have chemo. Chemo. I can't even wrap my head around this. I just can't. My 2 year old is jealous, doesn't understand. My husband and I are arguing like we hate each other, probably because right now we do.

Right now, we blame ourselves. We wonder what we did wrong. What we could have done differently. It's made us sour, harsh, and easy to blame. We've become bitter. Angry. Resentful. The list could go on.

As of right now, my baby is in Sacramento, and this momma is alone. Sitting in a house. With no one.
All I want to do is cry. Beg for this to just be a horrible nightmare. 
Can't I just wake up already?


  1. My Dear Amanda,
    I know how i feel about having to go through chemo and radiation.And i see my family trying to be strong for me.But i know that it is killing them.Because there isnt anyway for them to fix this.My husband and i have fought.Only cause i know he is scared for me.And he cant fix this.Just know in your heart.That u guys didnt do anything wrong.And honey there isnt anything u could of done to stop this.U are going through so much.DONT ADD BLAME!!!! I dont know why this happened to your sweet baby.Only God does honey.But blaming yourselves is only adding to this ungodly pain.But all your love into your son.And all u can do is be there and love him.I just had my chemo yesterday and im at home with my pump that pushes more chemo in me.What i have found is i get so wiped out.So he may sleep alot honey.And if he is in the hospital.They will give him something to stop him from getting sick.Thats the hardest.I have pills to take to help me with that too.Plus there can be side affect from the chemo.Do u no the names of the chemo he is getting.I could help u with the side affect.One of the ones im getting causes my hands and feet to feel like a million needles poking me if my hands get cold.And i have to wear a mask to keep the cold out of my lungs.Or i have trouble breathing.But no that after about 4 days after his chemo he will start to feel a bit better.It seems like a week and a half after my chemo i start to feel so much better and then its time to get chemo again.And i am having trouble with my white cell count going down.Im at 2.5 and the thats the lowest it can be to get chemo.I had to get two shots to bring my white blood cells up.If he needs them.Make sure they get him pain meds.Cause the side affect of them are painful.If u have any questions.Please feel free to message me anytime.If i can help u in anyway mama.Just ask away.Sending u so much love.And so many loving hugs.So wish this wasnt happening to u and Quinn.HUGS

    1. I will know the names when my mom and husband get back into town tonight.

  2. Dear Amanda,God love you and your family,you have done nothing wrong,you are doing right by getting him treated, by loving him,by providing him with a home and food,by worrying about him and by the sharing this with so many other people and letting us all into your life,my church family is praying for you as well as my sister and her church family,also your "Pace" family here in PA,sending you lots of Love,you are doing just what you are suppose to be doing.

  3. Dear Amanda,
    I have only met you twice and your beautiful children four times but I wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my prayers. I have been reading your web page and through the tears I can see just how strong you are. You say you are confused and afraid but I see the strength within.
    From the moment we find out we are pregnant we begin to worry and feel guilty that anything we do, any decision we make might be the wrong one. We live in the 21st century and the education we can tap into is overly abundant so of course we will know exactly what to do and when to do it when it comes to our children right? Wrong. When they learn to walk and fall we blame ourselves for not catching them fast enough, when they get a cold we blame ourselves for taking them to the store where they could catch it. So to blame ourselves for all that our children go through is part of the mommy contract it seems. You are following the rules of mommy hood sweetie but please know within your heart that none of this is your fault. Sometimes $#!+ just happens. The web page you have started is beautiful and educational and therapy and I hope you continue writing. Go ahead and VENT! It is what you need, not only for you, but you are venting for little Quin, and his daddy. But when you are done venting, close the page and pull from within the love and gentleness that he and your family need and just be brave. Brave, another word in the mommy contract, and far harder than any other emotion we can muster. Afraid? YES! But brave you will be when you pick him up and hold him, wires and all, mommy love beats afraid. Go ahead and ask “why?” you deserve and answer .. but since that answer could take a long time … just know that all of us are here for a reason .. that we all have a story … and whether that story is a long novel or a short tale, it deserves to be told and remembered. You are telling his story honey and it will be a long one I’m sure. Just believe. In modern medicine, in perseverance, strength in numbers(so many are in your corner)in blessings, in your son’s strength and in the power of mommy love.
    I am so sorry for what you all are going through and my prayers are flowing constantly for safe recovery from this nasty attack.
    With love,
    Zina Donoho-King
    (a fellow “Brave” mommy)