This momma right here, is one worn out, exhausted, depleted, emotional, and just distraught individual.
My son, my almost 6 month old son, will be starting Chemotherapy on Thursday. That's only a couple days away. And of course, I will be working. I have Thursday off. However, I do not have the rest of the days where he will be stuck in a hospital, scared, in pain, and miserable(as far as I understand chemo).
The thing that gets me the most?
He doesn't even have TEETH yet.
He's having to go through all these horrendous things, and he doesn't even have any teeth. As things keep happening, I keep coming back to this. It astounds me. It dumbfounds me. Of course, it depresses me. But Chemo? He's so little. So vulnerable. So breakable.
I'm sitting here, completely incapable of forming the proper word structure to make sense of how I'm feeling. I'm horrible, to say the least. Work has consumed me at this point, as it does any new manager at a store, but I'm helpless. Even if I'm there, I can't fix it. I can't help him. I feel like perhaps I've failed as a mother. I can't do anything for him, but be there. Just be a person. All these people around me have gone above and beyond, helping financially, allowing us the opportunity to breathe easy knowing our bills will get paid. I'm astounded at the way these individuals have grouped together to help me. Help my family. Help my son.
I just can't form a functional thought. Times like now have made me realize quite how happy(if that's even possible) I am that I didn't continue school. I don't think I would have been able to. I don't think I would have been able to function. I think I would have dropped out anyways, whether before or during. Or failed, which would have been worse.
They will keep my son for up to 4 days, depending on tomorrows results. He will do the aspiration of bone marrow and spinal tap. So not only will he be miserable from all the anesthesia, he has to have chemo. Chemo. I can't even wrap my head around this. I just can't. My 2 year old is jealous, doesn't understand. My husband and I are arguing like we hate each other, probably because right now we do.
Right now, we blame ourselves. We wonder what we did wrong. What we could have done differently. It's made us sour, harsh, and easy to blame. We've become bitter. Angry. Resentful. The list could go on.
As of right now, my baby is in Sacramento, and this momma is alone. Sitting in a house. With no one.
All I want to do is cry. Beg for this to just be a horrible nightmare.
Can't I just wake up already?