Thursday, February 7, 2013

In 8 Hours Quinn Will Have One Eye

Yes. You read that right.

As of the dreaded call this morning came to be, we're skipping chemotherapy and going straight towards eye removal. We're not doing anything else. There still might be chemo. There still might be other things. But as of now, 8 hours from now, he will lose the eye.

Today has been a moderate blessing, in different ways. I was able to speak to my boss, and he offered me the weekend off. The whole weekend. He was actually(in his own way) empathetic towards my situation. He was nice. Kind. It was weird, honestly. I didn't expect anything like this from him, and have been scared. I couldn't believe his kindness. Again, in his way. He told me it wouldn't impact my hours, or anything. I'd still be held to the same level I've been at.
My mother is actually who convinced me to do this. She met me at work, as it was apparent I wasn't doing well. One other doctor called me, and all I could mutter on my drive to work was "Yeah" "Ok" "Uh-huh". My mom spoke to her later, and apparently she could tell I really wasn't all there. This was all moving so fast.

My brain is so jumbled. So confused. I don't even know how to process this. I had just gotten moderately comfortable with the thought process of him starting chemotherapy, and now I need to erase that and get comfortable with him losing his eye. Hate to be curt, but how the hell does someone become OK with that?! I honestly don't think they'll ever be a day where I'll be OK with it. I don't think I'll ever be able to completely accept it. Or think it's "fine." I just don't think that will happen.

On the blessing side though, I was able to have a professional photographer get pictures of him, and us all. As a family. My mom was in some as well. She did it completely for free, because you never know what's going to happen. I'll share some of those pictures:

Here you can see how his bad eye has become lazy. It's not even the same direction as the other eye. Plus, the tumor is causing the eye to be shaped off.

Mommy, Daddy, Baby

Here, you can also see the eye.
It's become more apparent how damaged the eye really is. It's becoming round, causing his eyelid to be more open than it should be. Which makes it look "off." Also, the eye is becoming lazy. It doesn't look the same way as the other eye. Which just shows the damage.

Apparently, it's more damage than good to keep the eye.

But I still sit here.
Why me?
Why him?
Why my baby?
I did everything right in pregnancy, birth, all of it. I went to every appointment, took prenatals, and everything else you're supposed to do. Why me?

One of these days, I don't know when, I'm going to fall apart. I don't know what kind of scene this is going to look like, but it scares me.


  1. Thinking of Quinn and your family on what I'm sure will be the toughest day so far. Don't blame yourself as sometimes life is not in your control. Stay strong for your little guy, but still allow yourself to get all your emotions out. My dad was diagnosed with kidney cancer back in spring while I was pregnant and a good cry seemed to help get the stress out a bit. Take it one day at a time and stay as positive as you can as hard as that seems. This is the first step to Quinn being healthy. T&P to you guys.

  2. This isn't specific to this post, but I would love to buy Quinn some toys or baby stuff off of amazon, is there any way you could set up an account with your address with a wish list? I think you can keep your address private.

    1. I could work on that. I know amazon has things, and maybe I could make a wish list. You'd just buy, and send right? Without knowing all the details?

  3. I am so sorry...I cannot imagine what you are going through. I will keep your beautiful boy in my prayers.

  4. Yep, you can make your address private and amazon just sends you the stuff that people buy off of your list. It's a super convenient way for people to show support for your family :)

    1. I actually just set up an amazon wish list for him. I should link it here. It shows like toys, clothes, diapers, wipes..etc. So there's no guess work.

    2. What name is it under? I looked under Quinn and there's like 20 pages of people!

    3. Haha let me link it later for you.