As of the dreaded call this morning came to be, we're skipping chemotherapy and going straight towards eye removal. We're not doing anything else. There still might be chemo. There still might be other things. But as of now, 8 hours from now, he will lose the eye.
Today has been a moderate blessing, in different ways. I was able to speak to my boss, and he offered me the weekend off. The whole weekend. He was actually(in his own way) empathetic towards my situation. He was nice. Kind. It was weird, honestly. I didn't expect anything like this from him, and have been scared. I couldn't believe his kindness. Again, in his way. He told me it wouldn't impact my hours, or anything. I'd still be held to the same level I've been at.
My mother is actually who convinced me to do this. She met me at work, as it was apparent I wasn't doing well. One other doctor called me, and all I could mutter on my drive to work was "Yeah" "Ok" "Uh-huh". My mom spoke to her later, and apparently she could tell I really wasn't all there. This was all moving so fast.
My brain is so jumbled. So confused. I don't even know how to process this. I had just gotten moderately comfortable with the thought process of him starting chemotherapy, and now I need to erase that and get comfortable with him losing his eye. Hate to be curt, but how the hell does someone become OK with that?! I honestly don't think they'll ever be a day where I'll be OK with it. I don't think I'll ever be able to completely accept it. Or think it's "fine." I just don't think that will happen.
On the blessing side though, I was able to have a professional photographer get pictures of him, and us all. As a family. My mom was in some as well. She did it completely for free, because you never know what's going to happen. I'll share some of those pictures:
|Here you can see how his bad eye has become lazy. It's not even the same direction as the other eye. Plus, the tumor is causing the eye to be shaped off.|
|Mommy, Daddy, Baby|
|Here, you can also see the eye.|
Apparently, it's more damage than good to keep the eye.
But I still sit here.
Why my baby?
I did everything right in pregnancy, birth, all of it. I went to every appointment, took prenatals, and everything else you're supposed to do. Why me?
One of these days, I don't know when, I'm going to fall apart. I don't know what kind of scene this is going to look like, but it scares me.