Saturday, May 31, 2014

Update - It's been a year, almost.

It's amazing that I can sit here and write this.

A year ago today, I had absolutely no idea where life was going to take me. I had no idea if my son was going to survive, or if he would lose his battle. The scariest part of my life, thus far, was going on and I had absolutely no idea what to do about it. I guess, in hindsight, there's really nothing you can do other than function. You just move along, sort of like a robot. I remember feeling like I wasn't doing my life. I wasn't the one making choices everyday, or functioning. Someone else was. It wasn't me, because there's absolutely no way that I  would be able to handle this kind of stress. This kind of situation. It's phenomenal.

Yet, here I am. About to give the biggest update that has truly been long over due.

Quinn was considered to be tumor free as of July 2013. They said that there were no new growths, no more seedings, and they could barely see signs of the tumors being there. However, we had the fun news of being told that the first six months after was the worst period of time. Well, he got through that. As of January 2014, he is considered to be in remission. Sadly, he's also considered to be decently developmentally behind in his speech, which is guessed to be due to the hospital stays, sickness, and general nature of chemotherapy. However, we have been undergoing speech therapy sessions with an amazing woman, who I swear has the patience of a god, since January and he seems to be doing better.

We ended up having a decent party for Quinn's first birthday, because it was also a celebration of no more chemo. It's amazing how bald he was, and I'll show pictures for a comparison. Granted, mommy just gave him a hair cut recently. That chemo hair was just not making him look the best, haha.

Mommy got creative, and decided to make him a t-shirt.

It's amazing to think that we weren't sure if we would be able to see this day.

Halloween Quinn

His last EUA - which was FANTASTIC!

Mommy's not-so-perfect hair cut.. :)


It's still funny, though. Sometimes when I'm talking to people, I casually mention the fact that my son has cancer.

Which let me take a pause here for a second. Did you know that even when there are no tumors, no seeds, and whatnot - your still considered to have cancer? You're in remission, sure, but you still HAVE CANCER.  I've always hated this. HATE HATE HATE. I want to be able to say not cancer.
Anyways, though....

It's amazing the responses we still get from people. The initial response is generally, "Oh my god, I am so sorry." Which, and feel free to call me whatever colorful names you would like, is always in that disgustingly pathetic sorrow tone. We get it. Our kid had cancer. Cancer sucks. Big time. However, we're over it now. You should get over it to. I don't know, maybe this whole situation has made me a bit sour, but I'm a bit like that now.

And here I am getting ready to go into nursing school next year. It's ok. Experience is good! Get that skin now, haha.

In other fun news, to add to this, life has thrown us some fun curve balls. I'm not sure, more so I don't remember, if I mentioned it before but Quinn was positive for the mutation for his kind of cancer. Sadly, at the time, we were unable to test ourselves due to the insurance refusing to cover it. So we moved on, as we didn't think we were going to have anymore children.

However, life had another plan for us. Again.

Found out the week after my birthday that we are expecting another child. Another little bundle of baby. At first, I was terrified. I was supposed to have an IUD, but that didn't exactly pan out. Luckily, I suppose, the thing fell out. So at least that wasn't going to be a problem.
I'm sure you could imagine my surprise.

Don't get me wrong. I took a lot of tests. I mean a lot. A lot. I would say easily in the....upwards of 20's. I didn't believe it. Not at all. Although, once we got done with the initial panic and realized we had a healthy baby things calmed down. Especially once we realized we had a healthy baby.
Happy gummi bear baby. Seriously, it looked like a gummi bear.
But then something was brought to our attention - what if the baby has your sons cancer?  Something neither of us had thought about before. Neither one of us considered it. We weren't thinking more kids! We just got through this one, and boy did this one throw us for a ride! What would we do? How would we respond? My doctor asked me many questions, like if it carried the mutation, would I terminate. What would I want to do. Would anything change.

Sadly, I don't know. I still don't know.

However, finding this out allowed us to get transferred to a specialist. Luckily, this time, my insurance does cover the cost of the testing so we should know. However. I'm terrified. I've been terrified. I just keep sitting here wondering - could I do it? Could I do all that heart ache, trouble, crying, screaming, hate, anger, resentment....all over again? I really, really, really, just don't know.

Luckily, things are OK thus far. We saw the specialist last week, and got the blood tests done. So for now, things are fine. We have a perfectly formed, functioning baby.

I have to focus on this.
I have to.
I'm afraid if I start thinking about the what if's..again...I'm going to make myself crazy.

So while I make myself crazy, I'll try to keep you all updated.
Hopefully, we'll have my results in 2 weeks. My husband should be getting his test done next week. Unfortunately, his insurance hasn't gone through yet, but we're going to figure it out.

Until then...

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