Friday, May 17, 2013

Fear, and then some

It's been a while. It keeps being a while.
I'm so hectic all the time, and kind of melted into my own bubble.

Anyways, things have been..interesting? His numbers dropped significantly for a while. We started out this session of chemo with a 960. Which is the lowest we've done since the beginning of all of this. This scares me a bit. Especially since, for some reason, this time after getting his eyes lasered he was not interested in waking up. He didn't want to eat, drink - nothing. He wanted to sleep. Honestly, it kind of felt like he was just "giving up."

His appetite still isn't there.
He's sleeping all the time.
He's agitated when he's not asleep.

I think in total today, he's had about 15-ish ounces of liquid(formula and pedialyte). No interest in dinner, or lunch. Every bite I'd give him, he'd spit out. It concerns me. This is not normal. The last 3 times he's not done this. I don't understand. I'm concerned. But the doctors aren't. It kind of makes me want to push it aside because they don't show anything.

Here's some pictures from today/yesterday.
He looks better than he is, aside from being pale.

He was infatuated with chewing on his IV. Which is not fun. He had a bath too. :)

Not wanting to get up from anesthesia. 
His little car mommy and daddy bought him. :)

Big Sister pushing him in his adorable car. 

Waiting at the doctors office.

So the good thing about this time around, is that his tumor is no longer measurable. It's not able to be measured by ultrasound anymore! That's a GREAT thing.
Why don't I feel better?

I don't understand why I'm not feeling better. Jumping for joy. I'm upset about life. I don't like going through this, and will never understand it. We're also getting his prosthesis next week. That's a great thing. But I'm scared.
All this moving forward scares me.
How am I going to be able to function once all this is done?
6 months of our lives will be owned by this.

I'm not sure what to say, really. I feel as though I'm not acting the way I'm "supposed" to.

He's not eating.
He's not really drinking.
What will I do once his IV is no longer there?

I'm scared.
When will this fear go away?

1 comment:

  1. Hi Amanda! I was hoping you could answer my question about your blog! My name is Heather and if you could please email me when you get a free moment at Lifesabanquet1(at)gmail(dot)com that would be great!