As we near the day that my son is going to be put under general anesthesia to see if the cancer has spread, a lot of thoughts have been popping into my head. Most of them are probably completely false, and ridiculous. However, I cannot help the fact that I just feel so guilty.
Why did it have to happen to my baby?
Why does he have to lose his eye?
What did I do wrong in my life to deserve this, and for him to deserve it?
I just can't help but wonder what happened. What did I do wrong? I don't understand why this has to happen to him. Why does he have to lose an eye? My husband and I have been telling each other that we'd be more than happy to give up our functioning eyes if it meant allowing him the opportunity to live a normal life, with two normal eyes. I'm so scared of what's going to happen. Honestly, I'm afraid that I'm not going to want to hold him anymore when his eye gets removed. That I'm going to be scared. Scared of my own son. I know it's ridiculous, but I'm seriously concerned about it. Would that make me a bad mommy? If I was too scared to hold him?
These are the thoughts rolling through my head right now. Even worse is I'm so afraid the cancer has spread elsewhere, that he's got it somewhere else; like his brain. I can't even go there right now. I can't even consider what else is going on. I can't even think about the fact that there's a chance it's spread. That there's a chance that he'll have to endure more than he already has had to endure. I can't do it. I just can't.
But what did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? For him to deserve this? My poor baby is going to lose his eye, and I feel like it's all my fault. He's going to have to go through this torment, because of something I feel I did. I can't think of what. My husband has also been going through wondering what he may have done. If it's the experiences he had when he was a teenager. But we don't know. It's horrible to sit here wondering what you did wrong. Holding guilt, but not sure if it's really accurate or not. If it's truly your fault. I just don't know anymore.
I just wish I could have a normal baby.
I'm jealous of other babies, with normal red reflexes, with non-see-through eyes, and who won't lose their eyes.
But worst of all, why him?