Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Mommy guilt

As we near the day that my son is going to be put under general anesthesia to see if the cancer has spread, a lot of thoughts have been popping into my head. Most of them are probably completely false, and ridiculous. However, I cannot help the fact that I just feel so guilty.

Why did it have to happen to my baby?
Why does he have to lose his eye?
What did I do wrong in my life to deserve this, and for him to deserve it?

I just can't help but wonder what happened. What did I do wrong? I don't understand why this has to happen to him. Why does he have to lose an eye? My husband and I have been telling each other that we'd be more than happy to give up our functioning eyes if it meant allowing him the opportunity to live a normal life, with two normal eyes. I'm so scared of what's going to happen. Honestly, I'm afraid that I'm not going to want to hold him anymore when his eye gets removed. That I'm going to be scared. Scared of my own son. I know it's ridiculous, but I'm seriously concerned about it. Would that make me a bad mommy? If I was too scared to hold him?

These are the thoughts rolling through my head right now. Even worse is I'm so afraid the cancer has spread elsewhere, that he's got it somewhere else; like his brain. I can't even go there right now. I can't even consider what else is going on. I can't even think about the fact that there's a chance it's spread. That there's a chance that he'll have to endure more than he already has had to endure. I can't do it. I just can't.

But what did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? For him to deserve this? My poor baby is going to lose his eye, and I feel like it's all my fault. He's going to have to go through this torment, because of something I feel I did. I can't think of what. My husband has also been going through wondering what he may have done. If it's the experiences he had when he was a teenager. But we don't know. It's horrible to sit here wondering what you did wrong. Holding guilt, but not sure if it's really accurate or not. If it's truly your fault. I just don't know anymore.

I just wish I could have a normal baby.
I'm jealous of other babies, with normal red reflexes, with non-see-through eyes, and who won't lose their eyes.
Why me?
But worst of all, why him?


  1. I just wanted to send u lots of loving hugs mama. I know this has to be so hard.And it is so heart braking.Your baby boy is one of the most beautiful babies i have seen.And he will look like he does now with the fake eye.I promise u that.Its just the healing time u may have a problem seeing that.But they keep a patch on that eye so dirt and stuff cant get in there.U are a wonderful loving mother.Take it day by day.I just know u will be able to handle this.Again im here for u.And thank u for sharing your feelings.Its good to get them out. Loving hugs always

  2. You didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes bad things happen to GOOD people. Some of the most amazing people in the world (and/or their children) have fallen very ill - for no apparent reason. Please don't view your son's hardship(s) as punishment for something you've done. Sometimes life is unjust and simply isn't fair. Please don't blame yourselves, attempt the impossible and try and stay positive . . . know your baby is beautiful and strong (with or without that eye) and know that he will be a better person for having had to endure and overcome this.

    Remember that though removing the eye is scary, it is diseased . . . and without it he is whole because he will be so much healthier. It's okay and even normal if you are uncomfortable after his eye is removed, but I guarantee he'll still be your same beautiful boy, and your arms and your heart will continue to desire to hold and love him.

    You will get through this. Try and stay strong, I may be a stranger but I feel for you and my heart is breaking for you. Remember: This too shall pass. I wish your son a brilliant beautiful future filled with nothing but good fortune.

    1. I'm doing my best to get through this the best I can. I just don't know how the road ahead will look like.

  3. Amanda,
    I asked many of the same questions and struggled hard with a lot of my beliefs. You will get through this and you will come out stronger then you ever knew possible. Give that little guy a kiss from me and know I'm here to chat if you need me.