Chemo 3 out of 6!

I feel like the biggest jerk in the world right now.

But let's start with the vast amount of updates I need to do.

Quinn has been doing amazing this time around. I mean absolutely phenomenal. He's not been throwing up, or having weight problems. Everything was leveling out. It was like I had my baby back again. Like he was finally my normal baby. Do you know how great that feels?
Ever since all of this started I've felt like it wasn't my baby anymore. Like it was someone else's baby. Like he was replaced. He was more agitated, fussy, upset, bothered, and easily unhappy. It was not pleasant. So when he finally started acting like himself - I was enthralled. I've been enthralled.

Sitting in the Dr's office, waiting to get out of there! 

Over the past month, he's started trying to crawl, he sits up almost completely steadily, he has gotten two teeth, and he does not stop babbling! Can you believe that? All of this in just one month! Even chemo cannot keep my baby down. He's also started growing his hair back in the area where he was going bald. Although his hair is extremely thin still.

Quinn is also in a contest for the local newspaper, which I've been wanting votes from everyone. He's gone from 51st to 7th in the process of a couple weeks or so. I'm hoping he can win! But we'll see. The winner gets a free photoshoot, and a posting in the newspaper. Although, we've found out that the Northern Nevada Children's Cancer Foundation might be able to get us into the news as well. Which would be AWESOME! :)
Anyways, here's the link. If you want to vote, vote. If not, well, poo on you. Haha.
Vote for Quinn!

Now to current.
He got his eye exam today. His left tumors are amazing. One of them, as I think I've mentioned before, seems to be completely gone. The other one shrunk by 30% last time, and now has shrunk another 20%. So that's definitely doing good things! It's working! His eye is DEFINITELY going to be saved. He will not have to have another eye removed.

Before his anesthesia. Waiting to be taken back. HUNGRY! :)

Waking up from anesthesia

He also is about to start his third chemotherapy treatment, hopefully within the next couple hours. Not fun, but definitely needed. As long as he remains the way he's been, I'll be happy. I'd hate to see him revert to how it was.

For the reason I feel like I'm a jerk. This time around we are being paired with another child who is undergoing chemotherapy for retinoblastoma. The difference? This child didn't have to lose an eye, and is about a year older. So, this momma, right here, feels extremely bitter. Extremely. It's like a punch in the face that there's people out there who go through this and don't lose their eyes. Which just drags me back to - why did MY baby have to lose his eye? Why did HE have to get this? It's so ridiculous. He's so amazing. Why did such an awesome individual have to have something so horrible? Ugh..

I'm a bad person.
I wish my feelings were considered.
I feel selfish.

Light at the end of the tunnel?

Quinn got his eye exam yesterday.
We were(for once) actually the first patient of the day, so we had to get there at 5:30 in the morning. I think we actually showed up at 5:45 due to my waking up at 5:19. Can you imagine the heart attack I had? Well, he went back a little before 7:30. They did his eye exam, and lasered the tumor in his eyes.

For the update. The doctor told us good news. For once. The smaller tumor in his left eye has seemed to completely vanish. The larger one has gone down by 30%, and there are no new tumors. The only thing bad that's happening(which may not even be a bad thing) is one of the suture's in his right eye that holds down the implant is sticking out.

Copyright www.clinicalondon.co.uk - Just an idea of what I'm talking about. Orbital Implant after enucleation.

By now, she was hoping that it would all be buried. However, the rest of it looks fine. All that this means is that there's a chance he could get an infection, or need more surgeries to correct it. Also, this will make him be a bit delayed with getting a prosthetic. Like I said though; that's fine given what we've been going through.

Now back onto the topic of chemo and everything. Well, due to how quickly everything is shrinking there's a chance we won't need all 6 months of chemo! Can you believe that?! We might only need a few! I would be so happy. I mean, we've been going through this for a month or so now, having to deal with the up's and down's, and wondering what was going to happen next. Hoping that we could just rewind, go back, and redo everything. But this is giving us hope!

Later on in the day after chemo. Poor swollen baby.

Today, after his second set of chemo.

Before surgery, early in the morning with a tired mommy.

As for me, I'm exhausted. I am always exhausted. Quinn is honestly like a newborn baby lately with how he sleeps. IE he really doesn't. I'm glad he's doing well, but sometimes this momma just wants a break away from life. There's times where I just wish he was a normal baby, with no issues, no chemo, and nothing. I would love for it to be easy. I'm gradually accepting that fact that it won't be that way for a little bit. Accepting that there's a chance he could get cancers elsewhere but I can't keep thinking like that. I can't keep going that direction. I need to live right now, not in the future.

So I'm doing the best I can.

But hoping this is the end.

Not holding my breath though.

Long Needed Update

Since the temporary death of my computer it's been difficult to get the time to put this down. Not too mention it's hard to type from a cell phone.
And lets be honest
I avoid it.

It's like writing here makes me feel like its more real. My baby, my pretty baby boy, has cancer. And it's not easy. I still sit here and can't even comprehend whAt position I'm in. It's so difficult.

Since I posted last, I have broken down. Everyone told me it was inevitable and bound to happen. And it did. I hated it. Since it happened it couldn't even stop. I still can't stop being a little emotional. I do my best, but sometimes I still sit here and wonder why my baby. Why me? I don't get it. I really wish I could be in anyone else's shoes. But then I don't wish this on anyone. No one deserves to go through this, and this has brought a whole new line of sympathy in me for other parents. I'm an advocate for parents to love their healthy babies while you have them because when they aren't healthy it kill you.

Now unfortunately this post won't have pictures, but I will try to put them in later.

He had his chemo two weeks ago, with a catheter through his chest straight to his heart. It's scary as the nurses made abundantly clear that if anything happened during cap changes or dressing changes he could totally bleed out. Do you know how scary that is? It's horrifying.
But while we were in the hospital they had given us these really creepy dolls. One had a catheter in its chest like him. The other was used to practice our shots on him. Yes, for 10-14 days after his chemo we have to give him shots to help his immune system stay up. Which wasn't fun. His poor thighs started callusing because he needed it longer than 10 days since his numbers weren't where they were supposed to be.

Can I just say I have become far too comfortable with medical terms? Sure I want to be a nurse but I want to learn these things in school, not because my son needs them.

After his chemo he had a huge issue with throwing up which was causing him to lose weight. They were giving him two IV medications through his IV in the hospital around the clock. When we tried to give them via mouth and that just made the puking worse before they finally had the cancer center where we do his labs give it to him through his line. Oh thank god! As I said previously, life saver!

He hasn't lost his hair, he's becoming happier, he's finally got a tooth.


But.
I still have a hard time accepting all of this.
I want my baby healthy.